We Need To Talk

Hi Strangers! January 2012 is almost over! Holy balls! If you asked Kanye what this month has been like, he would say "that shit cray."

The most exciting event of the month was that my sister FINALLY came to visit! February is my 5 year anniversary of living in Ohio. She had NEVER been here to visit until 2 weeks ago. It wasn't long enough of a visit, but we had a lot of fun and jammed in as much stuff as we could. Next up, we have to get back to Colorado. I haven't been there since Christmas of 2007. TOO LONG.

Biggest thing going on has to be school. On the 2nd, I started my 14 hours/3 classes of online coursework through Ohio University. I'm a bobcat! I've never been to Athens where the actual campus is, but I will go visit before I get my degree so I can at least say I've been there. My classes are HARD. And ridiculously time consuming. The three classes I am taking are: Communicating with People with Disabilities, Statistics for Behavioral Sciences, and Business Communications. First one is super interesting yet gets all controversial on discussion board. Not a lot of homework which is a bonus. Second one....the one I HATE. I literally cry and get diarrhea before I do my homework. And our assignments last about 4-7 hours. ON AN "EASY" LESSON. eff. Midterm is Thursday. Can't wait to cry in public. And then good old business communications. I'd say this is the third time I've had to take some sort of biz com. Only because it's required. Because generally it's all a bunch of horseshit and NOTHING that I actually use in work. Legal writing is 180 degree different.

Confession: I've saved and came back to this 3 times. Talked on the phone to my daddy-o. Then ate a giant dinner. Now all I can think about is the 20 pages I have open and things I want to pin. Pin as in Pinterest. LOVE IT. And while I am not one of the single girls planning an imaginary wedding, I am a married woman planning an imaginary baby. Along with clothes I will never fit in to, jewelry I can never afford, and recipes I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients. Pinterest is all things wonderful.

Oh, and I had my birthday. 29. Seriously. Apparently that is the age that I'll be saying is my age on my next 10 birthdays. I even had the manager of the restaurant where we were having my birthday dinner "jokingly" guess it was my 29th. Husband was like "yeah! it is!" And then I had to tell him that basically the guy just thought I was older than 29. Oh and I still don't have a baby. My raging hormones and god awful period are reminding me of that. RAWR.

I have a surprise for February. Not on the blog, but in real life. And I think since only 3 people read this, and you're real life people, then you'll just have to find out later.

Ta-ta for now!

Twenty Dozen

Balls have dropped (snort), champagne (sparkling cider for me) has been drunk, and the challenge of writing the date correctly is here. I had been fighting a cold since before Christmas, felt a little better, and then got way worse. New Year's eve I was in urgent care getting antibiotics. Needless to say I slept all day and woke up to hear Cee-Lo Green eff up the words to "Imagine" and watch Gaga awkwardly kiss Michael Bloomberg. Happy New Year! Snore.

I started my online classes with Ohio University on Tuesday. I'm taking 1. Communicating with People with Disabilities 2.Business Communications and 3. Statistics for the Behavioral Sciences. First one is super interesting, lots of nice people and good topics on the discussion board. Second one-meh. it's biz comm. Stupid. And I have to read a 300 page book this weekend and start a book report due on Friday. Gross. And then we have Stats. ohhhh stats. I was taking a class very similar to this the semester my mom died while I was at KU. I ended up taking an incomplete in the class because I couldn't do the group project. Also, math is involved. So needless to say, this makes me nervous. Not just nervous, but I was on the verge of tears, heart racing, and in the bathroom after every 4 questions. My husband laughed, and apologized for laughing, but I told him that he is seeing first hand how awful my math anxiety is. Good news--Got 57/60 on the first assignment. I also had a lot of fun with it towards then end. If you follow me on facebook or twitter, you saw that I was asking for people to share their height and shoe size. I sent a tweet to Luke Russert, Tim Russert's adorable son who has followed in his footsteps with political news, and he answered with a retweet and I had everything I needed in like 45 seconds. Something that would have otherwise taken me all day. Incredible.

House is good--no major issues there. Tree and indoor decorations are down. Husband is taking down the outside lights today. I can't believe it's 60 degrees in January. I know we'll pay for it with a blizzard in March.

I have a lot of other stuff on my mind, but I've already stopped and started this post twice. My friend's baby is in the hospital and I think I'm just going to go love on her for a bit before starting that awful reading homework.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, GOOD BYEEEE (2011)

I just did a quick run through of the blog this year. I didn't post anything until April. Life was busy. This entire year was ridiculous. From job to unemployment to internship to GRADUATION to BUYING A HOUSE. That's a lot of things to check off in a year.

All I can really think of wanting in 2012 is to be healthy. Since I'm sitting here coughing and hackin and eating cough drops like candy after 2 weeks of this crap-I JUST WANNA FEEL BETTER. From taking vitamins everyday (which I already do) to being cliche and dieting. But that will get done. I have an appointment Thursday for a consultation with a weight-loss specialist doctor. It's going to be extreme and will probably give me major blogging material.

There's only 3 other things...
1. Get all A's in my classes at Ohio University as I finish up my bachelor's degree.
2. Take piano lessons.
3. Get knocked up. Will 2012 bring a baby? I effing hope so because January 2013 brings my 30th birthday and...ooooofff. (let's not get too far ahead of ourselves)

Bonus:
Pay off some debt/save/take a REAL vacation.

Hope everyone stays safe and warm tomorrow night however you ring in the new year!

I Wish I Had A River

...I could skate away on.

I watched the Glee Christmas episode earlier today and something kept coming back to me. They had the song "River" by Joni Mitchell in, but it was cut out because it was "too depressing." Someone pointed out that it's okay to recognize the sadness in our lives to make us thankful for what we do have. Instead, we're supposed to be SUPER CHEERY MERRY CHRISTMAS SMILEY SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE.

But, as much as we all project that giddiness "in the spirit of Christmas!" we're all still fighting demons and sadness. I'm sick, again, and I that's making me grumpy as well. I feel like nothing is right, or going my way, cry cry baby. Yesterday we were productive and gave the house a super clean. I also realized that we were a week behind on laundry, 3 weeks behind on poop scooping the backyard, and other chores that seem to fall on me. Hubby, if you read this, I love you and am so thankful for the house you've provided for me, and basically let me live in for free, but I can't do this all by myself. And like today, when I'm sick, and getting nosebleeds, and I go out in the cold to pick up poop and my glasses fall in the poop because my eyes hurt so I can't wear my contacts, and then come in and soak in the bathtub playing sad songs it's because when I say "we" need to do a better job, I really mean WE. I'm just overwhelmed. And probably overreacting.

I was soaking in the bath and thinking about how much I miss my mom. If you haven't noticed, I CAN'T GET OVER HER. My heart will NEVER break again like it died the day she died. It's impossible. The one person who gave me life.

A few months after she passed away, a family friend who is an award winning writer and photographer published a series of writings, photos, and videos that he had done with my mom over 2 years. I foolishly go to the website when I really want to reopen my wounds and see/hear/read Mama.

 But I have a major problem with this article. I don't think I've ever said this to anyone other than my therapist. I don't think I've really told my family. But, here I am spilling it on the internet...I feel like I need to right now.

I gave up MY LIFE for mom. I moved back to Kansas to be with her. I didn't work. I took her to doctor's appointments. I made her baths. I helped her change bandages. I wouldn't have had it any other way. But she would have-she wanted me to enjoy my 20's. Date. Have a job. Go back to school. Go out with friends. And she started getting better. So I did date. I did start working. I did go back to school. My dad came back. I lived in an apartment under my dad's name so that Medicaid wouldn't take away my mom's health insurance. Within months of this happening, everything went down hill. My dad left St. Louis for Kansas. My sister to a leave of absence from college in Colorado for Kansas. They were there. My days were over.

The night before my mom died, I went out to a Halloween party with my best friend. I hadn't been out, with friends, having fun in a long time. I drank. I drank a lot. I drank to the point that I was crying and telling random strangers about my sick mom. But she thought my slutty bumble bee outfit was cute, and told me to leave.

At 10 am on Sunday October 29, 2006, my sister called crying. Mom's breathing had changed. She was unresponsive. The time was coming. I don't think I can EVER forgive myself for not being there. I should have been with her the whole time. I was fucking hungover the last time I ever saw my mother. Three hours later she was gone. Forever. This....this guilt eats me from the inside every day...I have no induced crocodile sized tears and gasping for air sobs.

If you want to read about an amazing woman, here is her story. It's not just her journey, or my journey, it's OUR JOURNEY. http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2007/feb/25/kathys_long_journey/

Or, if you just want some good old fashioned holiday tears, just hit play.

i can haz presunts nao?

Commitment Issues

I have problems with commitment. Luckily, it's to things that are totally inconsequential and not important things, like marriage. I'm okay with that. I specifically do not like committing to certain things. 1. Purses. I change purses all the time. Even when I buy the expensive ones and I say things like "I SWEAR I will use this for the entire next year and not change." 2. Cell phones. The EVO gets points though. First phone I've had for AN ENTIRE YEAR without wanting to throw it out the window. I think switching to Sprint is a big part of that. Their customer service kicks ass, so when my phone did act up once, they just gave me a new one! I may still have a deep desire for an iPhone though... 3. Blog templates. I've written about this before, I think, at least because I always change it. It's hard for me to find something that I want. Forever. That's ME. I guess it's kind of like the purses; I have a hard time identifying myself and answering the "who are you?" question. So I guess that means when I change my mind or feel differently about something, then I of course have to change it. Also on this list should be 4. HAIR. Golden rule of the salon was always "If you can't change where you are or anything else you want to change right now, you can ALWAYS CHANGE YOUR HAIR."

Oh, and I'm still working on the baby bucket list. It's coming...

Since the start of 2011 I've:

Cross off what you’ve done: 

Gotten a new piercing. 
Dyed my hair.
Ended a relationship.
Started a new relationship.
Been on a long car/bus journey. 
Passed an exam.
Met someone who’s now an important part of my life.
Cried on someone’s shoulder.
Had a massive fight with a boy/girl.
Received flowers. 
Had a Valentine.
Written a letter using pen & paper.
Gone to see a therapist. 
Been prescribed medication by a doctor.
Read a really good book.
Gone to the zoo. 
Spent too much money on unnecessary things. 
Traveled by train. 
Cried over a member of the opposite sex. 
Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan. 
Slammed a door out of frustration.
Had an anxiety attack. 
Babysat for a friend’s child.
Had a BBQ.
Gone to the fair
Gone bowling.
Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.
Gone on a date.
Been the only sober one on a night out.
Helped someone home after they had been drinking.
Stayed up all night.
Talked on the phone for over two hours. 
Supported someone who’d received bad news.
Watched some kind of live sporting event.
Read an entire book in one day.
Bought a DVD the day it was released.
Eaten McDonald’s (fast food) more than four times in a single week.
Cried as a result of exam stress.
Met some incredible new people. 
Gone to great parties. 
Fallen backwards off a chair 

Cried over someone in the past.

Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet. 
Thrown up.
Cried over a film.
Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-boy/girlfriend.
Fought with someone in public.
Been in a relationship for a year or longer. 
Cried in front of someone I adore.
Lost one of my closest friends.